Size 8 or Bust!

Battling

I don't know when I've ever been so happy to see a year end, but 2011 couldn't come to a quick enough end for me. While most of the year went by, pretty much the same as always the last few months sent me for a loop, and again I ended another year just trying to keep my head above water.

Shortly after my last post back in August I was on a family vacation, where upon zipping around the woods on a Segway I hit a large immovable tree root and was unceremoniously thrown off and onto my rear end. Actually, I would have been better off had I landed on my rear end as there is plenty of cushioning back there, but instead I went flying over the Segway and onto my side, cracking my head against a large rock. Luckily I was wearing a helmet, so no damage was done to my head, but I did do a number on the right side of my neck and shoulder area. I somehow got back on the Segway to finish the tour, but when I woke up the next day still in pain, and still unable to move my right arm on it’s own I had to make a pitstop at the walk in clinic. Luckily nothing was broken, but it was pretty badly strained. I had zero to limited use of my arm through most of September, and even now it still hurts if I try to sleep on my right side.

Shortly after the Segway accident I was in a car accident and totaled my car. My poor, recently paid off with only 32,000 miles on it car. Right after the accident I felt so numb and in shock. All I wanted was to cry uncontrollably. I’d been fighting so hard to get my finances in order, and paying off that car was the light at the end of the tunnel. I had extra money to actually not be scrapping the pennies out of my bank account at the end of every month. I tried to find a decent car that my insurance payoff would cover, but the marked for used cars at the moment is ridiculous. I kept finding things like a 1997 Chevy Cobalt with 44,000 miles on it selling for $13,000. It was crazy.

I ended up paying just a bit more than that and getting a brand new car. It just made more sense, but now I’m right back in a financial hole again. The money worries have been effecting my entire psyche. I’ve been overeating more and more – and on horrible stuff since there never seems to be enough money to buy decent food. This just feeds the depression and I end up feeling even worse. I know that sooner or later something has to give. I can’t keep this up. I just can’t. I try not to dwell on money issues so much, but it’s hard. The cost of everything seems to be skyrocketing, but the money I make doesn’t change. I’m trying to cut back where I can. I’ll be calling next week to cancel my cable and internet service, as that’s pretty much the only place I can cut anymore, as well as cutting my gym membership. It probably is a good thing. Without the tv and internet to distract me I’ll get more reading and crafting done. I’ll walk, and get back to running instead of going to the gym.

Photo Update

You always hear about people with anorexia who keep looking in the mirror and seeing a fat person looking back at them.  I'm the opposite.  I'm the fat person who looks in the mirror and sees a fairly normal person looking back at them for the most part.  Sure there are certain things that I think make me look heavier, but overall I don't look at myself in the mirror every day thinking "Wow, look at the fat girl".  That's why reality checks like clothing that won't fit slaps me hard across the face.

I thought in the wake of my recent weigh in I'd post a photo update.  This was taken on over the fourth of July holiday.  Even with this picture, I look at it and think that's not all that bad, even though the newly sewn dress that is too small tells me the truth.

 

 

Rude Awakening

I know I've been away for a bit, but it's because I've been failing miserably at keeping to my diet and have been trying to avoid that truth.  I'd been avoiding the scale and was doing my best to pretend that really I was doing fine.

Of course there is no way to really avoid the truth.  I've been well aware of the fact that barely anything fits any longer, and that I've been wearing the same things repeatedly all summer.  I've felt my body slowing down under additional weight.  The weight gain has been no surprise.

The past two weeks slapped reality hard in my face.  First I got on a scale, inadvertently, but I saw my weight for the first time in about a year.  I bought myself a used Wii with my small bonus as well as a used Wii fit board.  Part of the set up includes weighing you. 

It was horrifying.  Truly horrifying.

And if it wasn't bad enough to see and hear the number they had to go and increase the size of my mii to a round roly poly blueberry girl.  It felt like such a slap across the face.  My weight was right back up to what it was at my highest point, back at the end of 2005.

This week I got slapped down again when I finally finished sewing a brand new tunic dress, that I had been really excited about.  It was my first garment other than a basic skirt and I couldn't wait to wear it.    That was until I went to try it on.  It was so tight across the chest that I didn't even try to add to the insult by trying to squeeze my hips into it.  I know that clothing patterns are sized differently than ready to wear, but I made the biggest size they had and figured it would fit.

Nope.

The saddest thing is that I still can't get my act together.  I don't know why I can't seem to get my act together and stick to this.  I know I can do it.  I've done it before, but at the moment getting in tune with what I need to do keeps alluding me.  Really, it's not even the diet right now either.  I can't seem to get anything in my life together right now.  I just feel helpless, and feel like all of my energy goes into hiding that fact from the world.

I'm not giving up.  At this point my goal isn't even really a size 8. That seems too big a goal to my adled brain at the moment.  I'm trying to use this week to really note down what my problem areas are, so I can really address them.  I need a better plan, and that's not going to happen unless I know what my biggest hurdles are.

Advance Planning = Success

Sorry for a the slight absence, but I was away for a week.  I had the chance to spend a glorious week  in New Hampshire for 2 days at Lake Winnipesauke and the rest of the week at an art retreat on the shore of Squam Lake.  I wrote a bit about that on my creative blog Between the Stitches.

It was a wonderful way to spend the week on both a personal level as well as for my diet.  I came away feeling enriched and content emotionally for the first time in ages.  One of the best things for me was that once I got to the camp I was fed three delicious, balanced, proportioned meals a day.  No snacking.     At dinner there was always a great salad bar, a fish choice, a chicken/beef/pork choice along with a vegetarian choice, and veggie and starch side dishes. 

I found it wonderful to have such wonderful options readily available, and in perfect serving sizes.  Sure you could take seconds, but they really portioned all the main dishes in just the perfect size.  I ate fairly healthy for the entire week and loved it.  Sure I'd usually have a bit of dessert with dinner, but even those portions were small and not over the top like so many places these days are.  I even went without my normal addiction to Coke Zero for the week as the dining hall only had non-carbonated juices, teas and lemonade.

I felt wonderful eating like that for the week.  It made me realize that a large part of my problem eating is my failure to pre-plan my meals.  By the time I get home from work now, if I haven't pre-planned my dinner I find it much easier to stop on the way home and pick something up.  This inevitably leads to problems since take-out is just a recipe for disaster for me.  When I lost the most weight a few years back I planned out every meal.  I had a plan made for the week and I stuck to it right down to my planned snacks.  It's just a process that works better for me. 

Now I just need to find someone to cook those pre-planned meals for me and I'll be all set to go.

Disney's Wine and Dine Half Marathon Recap - Part 2

When we last left off, I had barely made it past the mile 9 time check, had a pebble in my shoe, was needing to use a bathroom desperately, and was feeling kind of sick to my stomach over Mountain Berry Clif Shot Bloks. (It still makes me quesy just thinking about it!)

But I was still out there, still pushing on. I remember trying to force my brain to ignore those things, and just focus on moving with as much speed as possible. I was beginning to question my ipod-less choice. The stretches of highway weren't terribly exciting, and there wasn't any entertainment going on in the middle of the roads any longer. I don't know if they had already started clearing out, or if there had never been any. Nevertheless, it was getting a bit tedious. I was getting tempted to dig out the ipod for a bit of extra push.

Luckily shortly after the mile 9 pick up spot the course turned into the Hollywood Studios. The site of it made me so happy. Stuff to look at! I hadn't really studied the course map very well before the race, but I knew that I'd be spending a good deal of time inside of DHS. Just about 3 miles as it turned out.

 
　

Sorry again about the picture quality!

We entered in through a backstage entrance right behind the Tower of Terror. I don't know if I've ever been so happy to see my favorite ride! For me it was a welcoming beacon that maybe I could do this. There were a few cast members around trying to cheer as much as they could for our little group of rag-tag racers. I appreciated every one of them that were still there at that ungodly hour of the morning. I know that most of them would have preferred to have been anywhere else.

After passing by the Tower we headed up Sunset Boulevard towards the hat. I'd wave to the cast members out on the road and tried to say thanks. I don't know if I can ever express how good it felt to have even a few people out there rooting for me. I don't know why, but it really helped. I was curious about the time, but kept going keeping one eye for the someone coming to pull me off of the course. When we had entered the park I had seen the cops on bikes, but they had disappeared, and for the most part it was just the last of the racers and the CM's.

Just after passing the hat was mile marker 10. My mind was just focusing on the 3.1 miles left. 3.1, 3.1 kept going over and over again in my brain. I kept telling myself I could do 3.1 miles no sweat. I'd done 3.1 miles on joy walks. I reminded myself I had completed 10 miles. After that 3 was nothing, right?

The photographers were still out at DHS, and one of them managed to snap this pretty horrid picture of me. Obviously I have no skill at all at drinking water and gatoraid while moving. I think most of it ended up all over me as the race went on.

 
 　

Passing the mile 10 marker I made my way past Echo Lake and Sounds Dangerous where Darth Vader was out for pictures. I did see one woman stop, but for the most part everyone around me kept moving along and just waved. We made our way around and were now heading down Pixar Place and Mickey Avenue towards the animation courtyard. We hooked to the left and were now running along the road where the backlot tram usually runs. It was kind of cool getting to really take a peak in the windows of the costume and building departments as we went along. There was a water station and perhaps most oddly a man out there cooking. I guess it was to tie in the Wine and Dine part, but it wasn't as if he was cooking for people to eat at they ran by. It just struck me as really odd.

The other runners around me were all starting to look familiar at this point. I'd pass one of them, and then in a few minutes they'd pass me. There was beginning to form a bit of kinship back there at the back of the pack. No real talking was going on, but we'd all smile and nod at each other as we passed close to each other. That would grow as we got closer to the finish line.

We then actually ran through the Lights! Motors! Action! set which was a bit surreal before coming up on mile 11.

11 Miles! I had run/walked 11 miles!

My mindset was beginning to change drastically at this point. 2.1 miles to go. I could do that. The tiredness started to slip away a bit, and  my pace was beginning to pick up. Where just moments before I was dragging along, I was beginning to get infused with a second wind. It was just about at this moment that I turned the corner and found myself running down the streets of America. I was surprised to find all the Osborne lights turned on, a bit of snow falling and Christmas music playing. The lights felt just as magical as when I saw them the first time the previous December when I was feeling cranky and miserable. This time I was running down the street with the lights and on having it nearly all to myself. In those moments the other runners slipped away, and my eyes started to get misty. I remembered why it was I was doing this crazy thing in the first place. All those emotions came flooding back to me as I passed under all those twinkling lights. All the memories of myself telling myself I couldn't do something, and giving up without really trying. They were all waiting for me on that street.

I know this sounds crazy, but at that moment I knew I'd do this. It'd get the the finish line no matter what. For me that moment was a pure pixie dusted moment. Just me, the lights, and my thoughts keeping me going. My only disappointment at this moment was with the race photographer. Just about as soon as I came down the street, he started messing with his camera changing the film or something. I tried to slow down, because I really wanted that moment captured on film, but to no avail. As I passed him and left the streets of America he was still messing around with him camera. Maybe it's just as well. I might not have a photograph of that moment, but it's wonderfully vivid in my mind. That's really were it should be anyways. Those lights will always be magical for me. 　

After that we passed by Star Wars, and around the back of the Indiana Jones stunt show. Darth Vader was long gone, and it was just the last few runners plugging along. We looped around and before I knew it we were passing out under the Xanadu entrance. (Does anyone else thing that every time they are at DHS? Maybe I've just seen that movie too many times.) We were at mile 12 before I knew it, passing by it as we made our way by the Boardwalk Inn. There were a few more people out and about cheering for us now. I don't know why they were out there, but there were people out and about.

The last of us back of the packers were beginning to joke around now as we made our way along side the canal heading towards the Yact and Beach Club. We joked about gators coming up out of the canal and what damage we would do to anyone who tried to pull us off the course now. There were a wonderful bunch of people back there with me, and I'm greatful for everyone of them, because in their own way they were really helping give me the strength to keep going. There were two groups I found really inspirational as I was walking that last mile. Right near me was a mother and daughter. The daughter had to be about my age, and her mother had to be between 60 and 70 years old. The mother was hanging onto the daughters arm, letting her lead her to the finish line. They were right behind me at the end. Right at the very end I passed by three women, one of who as crying she couldn't take another step. The other two had her arms and were telling her she was mere yards from the finish line. The woman was besides herself saying she just couldn't do it. It was a bit heartbreaking. I checked the pictures later when they were posted, against the final results and was happy to see that she had mustered up the strength to finish. If you couldn't find inspiration in that last mile, you weren't going to be able to find it. Like me, this race was huge for these people. They were all gutting it out winding around the lake towards the back entrance of Epcot, watching other runners already leaving the party heading back to their rooms. In those moments I was happy to be there with all of them.

Myself, I was feeling energized that last mile. Maybe it's because I knew the finish line was getting really close, but I felt wonderful. Better than I had for miles. I actually started to run again. I was going to do it! Suddenly I didn't care about that stupid pebble. The bathroom could wait, and the aches in my back weren't quite as bad as I had been thinking.

I turned the corner into the back entrance at the Millenium building at Epcot and saw Mickey and Minnie up ahead. Surely there couldn't be a better sight!

 

After the horrid picture they took of me crossing the line at my 10k race earlier in the year, I was determined to look as happy and perky as I could muster for my crossing the finish line picture. I actually really love the picture they took of me. Oddly enough I thought finishing would have made me cry, but I didn't. I just felt happy. Pure joy.

 

　

Once I crossed the finish line all I was looking for was my medal. I had complete tunnel vision. First I passed the medical tent, which was swarming with people. I turned around a corner, and still no medal. They were giving up bags of snack items and bottles of water. I was beginning to panic thinking that because I had taken longer than the alloted time (true to my training I averaged about a 17 min. mile pace) that they weren't going to give me a medal. Seriously I would have started having a bit of a breakdown. Luckily I turned the corner and there was a CM putting a beautiful medal around my neck.

Quite seriously it was one of the happiest moments of my life. All of the horrible moments of the race started to slip away. They they sent me off to have my pictures taken with my beautiful medal!　

 

　

 

Originally Posted 10/10　

　

Disney's Wine and Dine Half Marathon Recap - Part 1

 
I woke up Saturday surprisingly calm about the half marathon I'd be running later that night. After all the emotions and stress I had been feeling in the weeks leading up to this trip, I was feeling amazingly zen on race day. I was not worried, scared, or stressed over the race at all. At this point my feeling was que sera sera. I couldn't do anything else at this point to prepare myself for the race. Either I would suceed or I'd be picked up because I couldn't keep up the pace. I'd do my best and see what happens. Oddly enough, I was feeling really good.

The race didn't start until 10 pm, and buses to the WWoS complex didn't start until about 7pm so we had an entire day to do as we liked. The plan was have a good breakfast at the Grand Floridian Cafe , visit the Magic Kingdom for some leisurely touring, and then head over to MGM for lunch.

After our leisurely morning in the parks, my BFF and I headed back to the Beach Club for a bit of a nap before we had to get ready to head over to the WWoS complex. We quickly learned that our great pool view upgrade room at the Beach Club wasn't without it's downfalls. We lied down to find that our great pool view room was quite a bit noisy in the middle of the afternoon. It wasn't the hotel guests that were noisy, but the organized activities that were going on. Things were going on continuously, all of which had to be announced and conducted using a bull horn and very loud music. It was next to impossible to nap while the Cha Cha Slide is playing right outside your window. Nevertheless we tried, and at least lied down for a while getting off our feet for awhile.

I wanted to try to meet up with a friend that I hadn't seen since college who lives in Florida and was going to be running the race with Team in Training so we headed to the WWoS pretty early. On the way over we met a really fun couple on their way to the race where they were doing the relay. They were a lot of fun, and we spent a bunch of time snapping pictures of each other and laughing while waiting for the bus. I was still feeling really good, and finish or not I was content.

　

We were at the fields super early (say 6:30 ish or so). The good point was that we were able to check our bags before things got completely crazy by bag check. I was getting a bit silly taking some pictures before we checked our cameras. You can tell we were early in this shot. In no time at all, the fields behind me in this shot were filled with people.

　

　

It took awhile to find my friend. First we wandered around the fields, where I ran into several friends from an online Disney running site I had been visiting. (Thumbs up for matching red logo t-shirts!) Then we headed back to the entrance to the fields to wait for my friend. Easier said than done. Just try finding a friend you haven't seen in nearly 20 years in a great wash of people! I had seen some recent pictures of her on facebook, so I had a bit of an idea of what she looked like now. Really I was just going by a "redhead wearing purple". Somehow, between searching the crowd, and texting back and forth we found each other. She had run a few Disney races, so it was great hanging around with her and her team. She had great tips for us, and had a better idea than us where to go. She steered us into our starting corral pretty early. Probably a good thing. Having a few extra moments really helped me out in the end I think. She had brought her camera with her, so she snapped a pic of my friend and I as we were waiting to start.

　

 

　

Here's the view from where we were positioned in the corral.

　

　

Lots of purple people! :)We couldn't see much of anything at all. We could hear Mickey and Minnie starting the race, and could hear the other corrals starting, but we weren't going anywhere right away. The starting line would have looked pretty impressive if you could have seen it.

　

 
　

On my end, all I saw was people shuffling towards the start line, and this -

　

 

　

The realization that this was about really happen was kicking in. I did happen to catch a glimpse of Mickey and Minnie as we went by. (These are official Disney pics not mine). They looked cute in their chef gear.

　

 

　

But at any rate, we were off! At first it was so crowded all we could do was walk slowly, but shortly the crowd started to break up a bit, and I was able to start my intervals. I was trying to keep up with my friend, but it was hard. Her rate was a bit faster than what I had been training at. I knew I couldn't keep up at that rate for very long. Still I hung in there for awhile. I lost my BFF fairly early. One moment she was behind me, and the next she was gone. We didn't meet up again until the end of the race. I lost my Florida friend shortly after. I realized there was no use in killing myself early trying to go too fast. At only a mile or so in I was on my own.

　

During all my training for the Wine and Dine half marathon, my ipod had been my trusted best friend. Even on the days I dubiously left my cell phone at home I always had my ipod with me. A girl has to have priorities right? I had never run or walked a step in training in which my ipod wasn't in my ear, and the Nike+ wasn't tracking my results. At the beginning of the race I had my old ipod nano fully charged, tuned to my specially made playlist, Nike+ sensor in place placed securely in my skirt pocket ready to go.

But when it was time to start I made a decision, quite shocking to me, but at that moment it just felt right.

Usually I derive a lot of inspiration from my music. I tend to play things that make me want to dance and move, things I can sing along with. My playlist was filled with lots of Brittany Spears, Prince and Katy Perry. I had the songs "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi and "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus for when I needed an extra push, and my favorite Zumba music to get my feet going. Waiting there. Ready to go.

I never clicked play.　

I tucked my ipod back into my pocket and set out to fully experience my 13.1 miles with my own thoughts to keep me going. I had been averaging 17 min. miles in training, and knew if I was going to do this I was going to need every possible second. Much as I would have loved to, I knew I wasn't going to be able to take time to snap photos with the characters along the way, or heck even use a bathroom. If I couldn't experience those moments, I wanted to experience what I could from this race. The sights, the sounds, the other people - everything I could. Those 13.1 miles laying before me had become so meaningful, a symbol of everything I'd told myself I wasn't capable of doing. I wanted to enjoy every moment of every mile I was able to finish. I didn't think I could do that with my ipod in my ear.

So less than a mile into the race, I was on my own. The first part of the race was pretty dull. Below is a copy of the course map, with the miles marked on it.  Sorry it's not the clearest.  A bit of searching on google will probably find you a larger version.

 

As you can see the first three miles were just out on one of Disney's highways. Probably the most entertaining part of this was that when all the back of the packers were headed down towards the Animal Kingdom, we could see the wheelchair division and the really fast runners heading back towards us on the other side of the road. We were all sure to give big cheers for them. Along the way Disney was providing a bit of entertainment. There were some characters out and about, and in the middle of the divided highway they had Spectromagic floats all lite up with dancing characters and bands playing. Fun! I would have loved to have stopped, but I kept plugging away. I kept going with my intervals, occasionally chatting with other participants - all of whom were just wonderful and encouraging. My one surprise was how much of this area was uphill. I had been expecting Florida - flat, but this stretch of the road had quite a bit of a grade to it. Nothing like at home, but more than I was expecting.

　

I was feeling good. I was keeping my pace, and knew there was still a large number of people behind me. I was happy though when we arrived at the Animal Kingdom at mile 3. There was a bit more to see. I ran into one of the girls from my friend's Team in Training group as we entered the park and we ended up keeping each other company for a few miles. It was odd though being in the AK at night. Part of the run when through some backstage areas which was kind of cool. Here's a close up of the AK part of the course. Sorry it's not the clearest. I couldn't find a better image.

　

 
　

Of course heading into the parks you also had to deal with the photographers that were out. I apologize in advance for all these horrid pictures of me from the race! Eek! :scared1: I just had to buy the entire disk afterwards though. During a running interval -

　

 
　

I wasn't really paying much attention to what was going on behind me during the race, but after leaving the AK I was getting an antsy feeling that it was sounding much quieter behind me than it had been. At about mile 6 I could here people at the relay transfer spot (which I had already passed) looking for, and cheering for the final 1st leg relay runner to cross the line. That runner turned out to be one of the couple I had met leaving the Beach Club earlier. I'm happy to say both him and his partner both crossed in time! :banana:

　

The miles between the AK and MGM were some of the most dull, and it was getting much rougher keeping going. I could feel my pace beginning to slag a bit. Miles 6 to 8 backtracked along the highway before turning back yet again. Not terribly exciting, and rough when you can see people coming back at you just on the other side of a rope barrier. (The area on the map right before you hit mile marker 8). It would have been really nice to just scoot under the rope and ignore the entire loop, but I was good and followed the entire thing. (Good thing too, they have a scanner right at the end of it to be sure that you actually cover the entire loop. At about 7.5 miles in I got a text from my BFF telling me she had been picked up for falling too far behind and was being taken to the finish line. A bit of panic was beginning to set in. As I looped around towards mile marker 8 I was becoming quickly aware that there was practically no one behind me any longer. There were a few, but not many. The rest had all been picked up for being falling behind.

　

Right after mile 8 two girls came up behind me with balloons tied around their waits. The pacers. The race staff that was around and the cops pedaling around on bikes told us we'd be fine if we kept up with the girls with the balloons. I was trying, believe me, but I was getting so tired. I had picked up a pebble and could feel it floating around under the ball of my left foot. It wasn't horrible, but it was irritating, and I knew I didn't have enough time to stop and empty my shoe. I also would have given anything at that moment for a restroom. I was wearing out, and the two girls were getting a bit further ahead of me.

　

The mile 8 was horrible for me. I could feel my body feeling more and more exhausted. Most of that mile was going uphill. It was around midnight I'd guess, and the thought of 5 more miles was daunting. Plus, there was a clif shot stop during that mile. I had been training with them for energy, but I had only used the citrus flavored ones. They were giving out a different flavor, but I figured I'd be fine. Wrong. I had eaten about half the package when I started feeling sick as a dog. It was awful. I tossed out the rest of the package, and tried to ignore my now rolling stomach. As I was getting closer to the mile 9 marker the cops and staff told us that mile 9 was a hard cut. We had so many minutes to make it to the mile marker or we'd be taken off the course. :eek:Up ahead of me, I could see a big old coach waiting to cart people off to the finish line.

I'll be honest. That bus was looking pretty good.  No, that bus was beyond looking good. That bus wouldn't have looked better if they told me that it was filled with ice cream sundaes and Captain Jack Sparrow waiting to rub my poor feet. Nope that bus had cushy seats, air conditioning and a bathroom. It looked like heaven to my poor exhausted eyes. I tried to run a bit to get caught up to the mile marker. I didn't get far before I had to slow to a walk again. My legs didn't want to listen. With mile marker 9 just in front of me, and the clock ticking, a big part of me just wanted to take that bus back to the finish line, wanted to sit down, wanted to take that pebble out of my shoe, wanted to end this madness.

I kept moving, just looking at that line in front of me, It actually looked like a mini-finish line, trying to make a decision on what I really wanted to do. The bus or the finish line. In that moment I knew I had to try. They could pull me off the course if need be, but I'd go down trying to finish with whatever energy I could muster up. I took a few deep breathes and started to run again, determined to cross that line somehow. Somehow I made it. I crossed the line and headed towards MGM, looking at the bus parked along side of the road waiting to cart people off to the finish line. It wasn't for me though. I didn't let myself give up for once. I didn't know how I was going to keep time for the last 4.1 miles, but they weren't getting me at mile 9.

Original Post Date - 10/2010

Feeling Good

Yesterday I felt good for the first time in ages. Not just okay, or my usual blah, but good. Pretty good actually. I don't know why. Maybe it was getting out for a walk in the beautiful weather yesterday. Maybe it was the surprise phone call from my nieces the day before. Whatever it was I was greatful. I can't tell you how good it felt to not feel like I was about to break down in tears at any given moment. I could feel the difference just walking to and from my car. There was, not be too overly dramatic, a spring in my step that's been missing for awhile now. I went to my Zumba class for the first time in a few weeks, and while I was a bit lost on all the new songs I've missed I didn't feel like I was dragging through the workout. It felt good. I feel more energized. It seems to have carried over to today so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can keep this up.

Original Post Date 09/10

 

 

Awful Training Run

Yesterday I had a really rough training run. I was feeling pretty good at the begining. There was no humidity so it was one of the first times running this summer that my lungs didn't feel like they were going to explode. I had gotten about 2 miles when all of a sudden I felt horrible. Really horrible. Suddenly I felt completely drained of energy and like my legs were going to collapse under me at any moment.

In hindsight I should have just turned around and gone home, but I was supposed to do 8 miles so I kept going trying to do more. I only got about another couple of blocks before I realized that it was a lost cause and that physically there was no way I was going to be able to do 8 miles. The problem was that at this point I still had 2+ miles to do to get home even if I just turned around and went back the way I came. I decieded to keep going and loop around to my house instead of going straight back.  The distance would be the same and I'd have a slight change of scenery.

I just took it slow. Really, really slow. I don't know when I've walked quite that slow in a long time. I was kicking myself for forgetting my phone at home, because honestly had I had the phone I would have been calling my parents or anyone I could find to beg them to come and pick me up.  At one point I had to sit down for about 5 minutes or so.  I was physically unable to keep moving.  I sat there wondering how in the world I was going to make it and contemplating if crawling was quite possible an option.   I forced myself back up again to walk the last mile and a half or so home. The only thing keeping me going was the thought of crashing across my bed as soon as I walked in the door.

At about the point where I had about a mile left to go, a truck full of guys passed me and stopped at the light a few yards ahead of me. They were still at the corner when I approached to make a turn. As they made the turn I could see and hear them pointing and laughing at me as they passed me. Whatever was left of my energy and will left me at that moment. I wanted to start crying, but really didn't even have the energy for that. I felt utterly demoralized.

I finally made it home, cutting through a back pathway into my condo complex where I got hassled from one of my neighbors for tresspassing on private property. I was in no mood so I probably wasn't the most pleasant when I told her that I did live in the complex so I wasn't trespassing. I didn't even do any stretching when I got home, but kicked off my sneakers and socks, threw a towel on my bed and collapsed for about an hour or so.

It woke up feeling only slightly better. I don't know what is was, although I'm guessing it may have been tied to the heat that afternoon and made a bit of dehydration. It was just awful. Still the experience has me questioning what in the world I was thinking signing up for all of this. Yesterday I barely made it though 5 miles, and I've yet to get my time under a 16 min/mile pace.

A friend of mine, who lives in FL now and runs several half marathons a year with the Team in Training as offered to let me run/walk with her group at the Wine and Dine. I'm thinking of taking her up on it. Hopefully the extra motivation will help, but still I'm getting really worried

Original Post Date 09/10

Why a Half Marathon

I am probably the least athletic person you will ever meet.

Honestly.

I learned early on as a kid, that I had practically no talent at all when it came to anything that went on in gym class. In grammer school I was never able to get myself up on a balance beam. I never caught or hit a softball, and I could never even hang on the pull up bar let alone do an actual chin up. In high school I virtually gave up. I'd participate in the select few activities I could do without embarassing myself (swimming and floor hockey) and then skip as many gym classes I could before they'd fail me. When I'd run out of excuses for why I couldn't participate, I'd throw myself on the mercy of my gym teachers to be excused from softball, volleyball, lacrosse, flag football etc. if they'd let me run.

Not that I'd actually run.

Me and the other small handful of gym class rejects would walk up and down the pool hallway chatting, only running in front of the doors that opened up to the gym in case the teacher happened to be looking out. Invariably we'd get caught not running and be forced to run a lap under supervision and then return to our leisurely walk as soon as we were out of eyesight again.

Because honestly running was the worst activity possible in my mind. I'd run about 5 steps before doubling up with a side stitch and be gasping for breath. I hated it with every fiber of my being.

Which is why none of my longtime friends or family can believe that the entire point of my October Disney trip is to run the Wine and Dine 1/2 Marathon. Really though, no one is more amazed by this fact than me.

About a year ago I started reading the WISH forums on the DIS boards, and became fascinated with all the "normal" people training to run the Disney races. It intrigued me enough to do some research, where I found out about the book The Courage to Start by John Bingham. The more I read it, the more I wanted to try to run. I've never identified with a book so much in my life. Maybe it's the point in my life that I'm at. I feel like I've failed at so many things. At age 39 I'm nowhere were I thought I'd be in my life. I feel like I'm passing through life, failing at most things, and skimming by on the rest. I never thought I'd end up alone, in a brainless job, living paycheck to paycheck, finding nothing that really fullfills me.

I want to cross a finish line. I want to have that moment when I actually succeed and do what I set out to do. I don't think I ever really realized how much I need to feel that. I have no delusions of winning. I don't even care if I'm dead last. (Honestly I expect to be dead last). I just want to cross that finish line. For me, because I always told myself I couldn't do it.

I finished the C25K program back in September. I cried when I ran for 30 minutes straight, because I never thought I'd ever be able to do that. Now I'm ready to start training for the 1/2.

 

Original Post Date - Spring 2010

 

Five Things I Learned During My First Race

Originally from 06/07/10

Five Things I Learned During My First Race…

1) I am woefully unprepared, and have a lot of work to-do before Oct. 2

2) 6.2 Miles is a really long way to walk/run. 13.1 is feeling a bit scarier.

3) It's not really all that bad being last as long as your finishing.

4) I think I'm going to have to make some trip itinerary changes.

5) I am woefully unprepared and have a lot of work to-do before Oct. 2

Yesterday was the big day of my first ever race, The Amica Iron Horse 10k held in Simsbury, CT.  A 10K that I was woefully unprepared for. Other than a few brief walks, and a few Zumba classes per week I hadn't done any training at all. Not one run at all. With that knowledge in hand I showed up Sunday morning to face the 6.2 miles with my sister in law, while my brother was running the half marathon being held the same day. I had stayed over at their house the night before to save myself some time in the morning. The race was held in upstate CT, so it was closer to say at their house and drive to the race with them. Even with staying at their house, we still had about a 40 minute drive in the morning to get to the race site.

We didn't arrive quite as early as we would have liked, but we still had plenty of time to get through the check in lines. The 10K race was starting about 15 minutes before the half and 5k races so my SIL gave our race shirts to my brother to throw in the car and headed over to the 10K starting line. The crowd for the 10K didn't seem too overwhelming. Knowing I was going to be slow, I opted to stay at the back of the pack, so my SIL split up and she headed up more for a better position. It ended up being a wise decision. Soon the starting gun went off and everyone started running. I knew that with my lack of training running the entire race was out of the question. I had my ipod, so my goal going in was to run one song (at least - possibly two), then walk a song and repeat that pattern.

Unfortunately that plan didn't quite work for me. Sunday in CT was a humid, overcast day with forecasts for bad rain all morning long. As soon as I started to run, my lungs started to seize up and I was having a bit of an asthma attack. I switched to walking for awhile, got my breathing under control, and then tried again. In no time flat I was gasping for air again. I started walking again, and even with that I was still having difficulties breathing. It took quite awhile to get my breathing back to a normal pace. I decided that it just wasn't worth it to try running again, so I essentially walked my entire 10K. At this point I was just about alone on the coarse. Everyone had passed me! There was one man a few yards ahead of me, but there was no one else around us. I am slow! Nevertheless I kept plugging along. There was a checkpoint at the first mile and I was at about a 16 minute mile.

At about the 2/3 mile point the slight drizzle that had been going on picked up and all of a sudden I was caught up in torrential downpoar! I was completely soaked in a matter of seconds. I think I need to start wearing a hat or visor when I run. It would have been helpful had I been wearing something to keep the water out of my eyes. This was just about at the point when the half marathoners caught up with me. :confused:I actually got passed by my brother who tapped me while running by with a friend of his. That's a lovely feeling. The guy in front of me, started running a bit and pulled even more ahead of me. I was still surrounded by the half marathoners when the two courses split at about mile 4. That's when my brother passed me a second time.  He had already looped around his split. Just after the course split I had the entire road to myself. The 10K was held in a rural area of CT, surrounded by a lot of farms and picturesque homes. I couldn't see the guy in front of me any longer.

Eventually I reemerged on the main road, and was seeing the half marathoners again. I didn't mind the walking, but it was a bit dull sometimes, even with my ipod playing. If I was going to have to walk this entire thing it would have been nice to have someone to chat a bit with. :) Still I was on the downward stretch now, and I kept reminding myself of that as I kept going.

Mile 5 came quickly, and before I knew it I was at mile 6. I was feeling pretty pooped at this point. My hands had also started swelling somewhere around mile 5 and were feeling really uncomfortable. It's a problem I've had before when I run, so I wasn't really surprised by it.  It was however pretty unattractive.  I was feeling like I had Shrek hands.

As I neared the finish line, I was a bit embarassed by some of the cheering. 10Kers had different colored bibs than the half marathoners so it was obvious I was a straggling 10Ker. People were cheering me on specifically which was great, but I was a bit self concious of it. I had wanted to try to run the last .2 miles so I could cross the finish line running. I just couldn't do it though. My legs were just too tired at this point, and I ended up crossing the finish line walking as half marathoners were passing me by. I grabbed a bottle of water someone was handing me, as well as my goodie bag. I was a bit saddened to realized that there were no medals given out to 10K finishers. Only half marathoners. :sad2:Makes sense, but this felt like such an accomplishment to me, it was worthy of a medal. :thumbsup2I had been hoping to at least finish with a Disney worthy pace under a 16 minute mile, but it wasn't to be. I was over by nearly a minute with a 16'56" pace. My SIL was waiting just by the finish line, so I took a seat on a small fence, and we waited for my brother to finish his half marathon. I was convinced that I was the last 10Ker to finish, but about 15 minutes or so after I crossed the line another woman came across. Being there myself I had to give her a big round of applause. When the results got posted later last night, it turns out there was yet another 10K finisher, quite some time after me.

 

 

I didn't quite finish last, but close. Actually it's possible that I was really last. If the two people who officially finished after me started late, it's possible that their start times didn't get registered correctly. I had mixed feelings at the end of the race. Yes, I was thrilled to have done it, and have finished at all, but let's be honest. Last is still last. There is still that part of me that feels like I let myself down by not training. I might not have felt this so greatly, had there been other walkers out on the course, but I felt pretty alone out there for a large portion of the race. I've been telling myself I should feel proud of what I did, some people couldn't even walk a 10K, yet I could, and I tried to run and that's all that counts.

It really was a vivid reminder though of the work I need to do to for the Wine and Dine. I'll be honest and say that I'm a bit more nervous about that now after doing this 10K. 6.2 miles felt like a heck of a long walk to me. I can't imagine doing nearly another 6 miles walking let alone running. It's going to be a lot of work to get ready for that, but I'm going to be putting my best effort in. I may have to make some itinerary changes though for that trip. I am incredibly sore today. I'm fine as long as I'm either walking or sitting, but moving between those two things is killing me today. My calves are just a little tight, not bad at all, but my upper leg area is really bad. It's not quite my thighs, and not quite my hips. I don't know exactly what to call the part of my body that is aching the most. Really it's the area, right where the leg joings the body, but closer to my inner thighs.

I have the plan in place for the Half. I was going to start today, but as I can barely walk today I'm going to try for tomorrow.